On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms.
The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat.
My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car
in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She
was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy
bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure
water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried
to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us
seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every
morning we left home together and got home
almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in
a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy.
But the calm life was more likely to be affected by
unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony.
Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again
was immersed in her stream of love. This was the
apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best
draws girls' eyeballs." Her words suddenly
reminded me of my wife. When we just married,
my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will
be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I
became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed
my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.
I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "You go to
select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to
do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy,
because I had promised her to go and see with
her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became
clearer in my mind although it used to be
something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife
about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to
her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was
a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing
dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner
was ready soon. Then we watched TV together.
Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing
Dew's body. This was the means of my
entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way,
suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared
at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was
something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine
how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just
stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife
with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to
have got some hint. She gently smiled at my
subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce
her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew
I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her
hand. "I've got something to tell you", I said.
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the
hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to
open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I
was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious
topic calmly.
She didnt seem to be much annoyed by my
words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm
serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a
man!"
At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was
weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had
happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give
her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had
gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce
agreement which stated that she could own our
house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt
a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living
ten years with me would become a stranger one
day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was
what I had expected to see. To me her cry was
actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce
which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed
to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining
my clients. I saw her writing something at the
table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found
she was still there. I turned over and was asleep
again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't
want anything from me, but I was supposed to give
her one month s time before divorce, and in the
month's time we must live as normal life as
possible. Her reason was simple: our son would
finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and
then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember
how I entered our bridal room on the wedding
day?" This question suddenly brought back all
those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and
said, "I remember." "You carried me in your arms",
she continued, "So, I have a requirement, that is,
you carry me out in your arms on the day when we
divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door
every morning."
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those
sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a
romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She
laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No
matter what tricks she does, she has to face the
result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words
more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn"t had any body contact since
my divorce intention as explicitly expressed. We
even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out for the first day, we both appeared
clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is
holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me
a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting
room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters
with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said
softly, "Let us start from today, don"t tell our son."
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down
outside the door.
She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more
easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so
close that I could smell the fragrance of her
blouse. I realized that I hadn"t looked at this
intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found
she was not young any more. There were some
fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, "The
outside garden is being demolished. Be careful
when you pass there."
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to
feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was
holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me
something, such as, where she put the ironed
shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I
nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the
everyday workout made me stronger. I said to
her,"It seems not difficult to carry you now."
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to
carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not
find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my
dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I
suddenly realized that it was because she was
thinner that I could carry her more easily, not
because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all
the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of
pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to
touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to
carry mum out", he said. To him, seeing his father
carrying his mother out had been an essential part
of his life. She gestured our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I
was afraid I would change my mind at the last
minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the
bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway.
Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally.
I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our
wedding day. But her much lighter weight made
me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I
could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to
school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me
in your arms until we are old."
I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't
notice that our life was lack of such intimacy."
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me
change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't
divorce. I'm serious."
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched
my forehead. "You got no fever", she said. I moved
her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew", I said, "I can
only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage
life was boring probably because she and I didn't
value the details of life, not because we didn't love
each other any more. Now I understand that since
I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our
child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I
have to say sorry to you."
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a
loud slap and then slammed the door and burst
into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I
ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her
favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote -- I'll
carry you out every morning until we are old.
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